An email popped up in my inbox this week from the charity ‘Heads Together’ about ‘Mental Health Awareness Week’. The title, #Mentalhealthminute included a link to a 1 minute splurge of information about the importance of listening. The voices came from The Duke of Cambridge, Stephen Fry, Katy Perry, Jameela Jamil &  Alesha Dixon . It got me thinking about how James and I have been practising this particular skill and how it determines the outcome of our overall experience for each new day. It also prompted a little flash back of the days where I was bound tightly within an eating disorder where my ability to listen and talk were very much slim to none, and those times where I was able to communicate I came away feeling worse off and I didn’t understand why. Now I realise I was barely even listening to myself so how could anyone else have listened. So how best can we converse with each other to help people with mental health issues and in general how can we converse more effectively with the people we surround ourselves with.

While travelling we have met countless people ready to tell their stories. We’ve listened to worries, woes, and indeed tales of strength and enlightenment; at times we have listened intently and others we have definitely wrongly interrupted. But we have learnt quickly to “Listen with the intent to understand and not with the intent to reply”- Stephen Covey.

Our conclusion is that this particular skill is a work in progress and something that will evolve over time much like any other. I am completely fascinated with the act of listening because we all have the ability to tap into this amazing skill. Movement, sound and energy are quite perfunctory at times meaning we take them for granted but they are the key to really listening and communicating with whoever or whatever is in front of us. A great asset during conversation is our ‘Focus Of Attention’, which can be a powerful skill in itself and possibly the gateway to really listening whole heartedly and with an end goal of listening to learn rather than listening with the intent to get your own word in. ‘Focus of Attention’ lies within acquiring any new skill and advancing to the next level with existing skills whether in sport, dance, music or just about anything we can use rely on it if we have practised properly. It has a lot to do with where you focus your eyes, how you respond to what is being said and ultimately being in the moment without the need to give even the slightest part of your focus to a stimulus that is unrelated to the task at hand.

I have had many conversations in the past where I am supposed to be listening to someone talking, but my attention has been all over the place and too many thoughts flow through my chaotic little mind. It’s like a train, which only stops when it has to and I am not in control of those stops because I’m not the one driving the train. Even if someone is telling the most compelling story I find myself zoning out, most probably day dreaming about my next meal or the glass of wine I am sure to delight in later that day. To focus my attention and take control I need to be sat in the front seat of my own vehicle. If I gain control then I am able to engage with the person speaking, and I can appropriately communicate with them, whether through nodding and making noises of agreement or as I said before responding constructively. But I am the only one that can take control and help others by using the skills I’ve acquired to my advantage.

Coincidentally as I’m writing this piece, I’ve struck gold with the perfect example of someone essentially unknowingly not listening and just talking… or so it seems anyway. 

‘We’re sat in a beautiful café setting with low tables and cushions all around to sit or lay on while lantern style lamps hang from the ceiling and colourful art work populates the walls. We’ve ordered some delicious food and have already set up camp laptops open and fingers poised above the keyboard ready to tap the warn out keys in an ultimate session of researching and writing for our various projects. Just then another couple walk in and begin talking to us … or should I say at us. We sat interested and curious as we had already spoken about the act of listening earlier that day. The chap who seemed like a nice stand up fello would ask a question but no sooner had we mustered up an exciting answer and begun to vocalise it, he would talk over us. It looked as if he had glazed over relinquishing the control needed to focus on any other information other than his own conversation. The fact that our jaws were still moving up and down working together in a kind of synchronised dance with our teeth, tongue and lips to produce what most people would assume to be an incredibly interesting combination of words didn’t even penetrate his attention zone. If for example no one else had been present I’m positive he could have experienced the same conversation as the one we attempted to be part of. It was blissful innocence, he didn’t know he was doing it because he wasn’t aware and that was ok for us as it had almost become an experiment where we had stepped into a lab with our white coats and goggles on ready to analyse what was in front of us.

This is just one simple example, we could get very scientific and analyse but this blog is already longer than anticipated and so I will move on.

Many of us will believe that we are good listeners; maybe we believe we have done the best we can. One way to see if you have been listening appropriately is to summarise what that person has just said out loud and then if there is a need for a response then bloody well put all your previous thoughts to the back of your mind and respond right there in the moment and respond constructively. More importantly if you have nothing to respond with then just make it known that you have heard what they have said, this is sometimes more powerful than a verbal response, and you can always respond later once you’ve thought about it. 

Now how does this relate to the mental health conversations? The process of talking about mental health is quickly becoming an important practice in the 21^st century. I think it’s important for anyone who is listening, not just within mental health but in any scenario whether it’s in performance, sports training sessions and any other occurrence where listening and communication is involved; we need to make absolute sure that we “Listen with the intent to understand not with the intent to reply”. Be patient and empathetic, some people just want a chance to explode out of what potentially feels like “Solitary Confinement”. Be aware and only respond if you can respond constructively and at the right moment. You can only learn this by practising and by being incredibly patient. Always remember there’s plenty of time to tell your story too so you may as well listen to someone else in the meantime.

A challenge for anyone interested in listening skills; engage with someone today and see how little you can say in a conversation while also letting them know you are listening and engaging with what they are telling you. Be interested in what they have to say and not in what you want to say. I’ve practised quite a few times over the past 5 months and it’s a real eye opener. Let me know how you get on and what you learn about others and indeed yourself.

Muchos love

Peaches xxx