Out of the taxi, my feet touch down onto the drive of Fat Cat Eco Farm Backpackers in Sunnyvale, Auckland. Challenging as it is I manage to put one foot in front of the other with my oversized backpack over my shoulders and my body fuelled mostly by anticipation towards the house in the near distance. The dirt track drive decorated with wild flowers, and plants on the one side and on the other some wooden sheds, a compost heap, a greenhouse, some grapevines and an array of vans mostly made stationary by flat tyres and what looked like a missing window in one of them. I hoped I wouldn’t be in the one with the missing window, that’s just a little too far out of my comfort zone.   

Getting closer to what we assumed was the reception, chickens cluck from one direction while unfabled foreign tongues resonate from another direction near the house, mostly French and German from what we can hear. We reach the kitchen located just inside the front door where James politely booms “Is Kathrin here?” Another guest or volunteer points to a lady in colourful baggy elephant pants (they’re all the rage in this part of the world) sat on a cushioned crate in what looks like the lounge; but she’s on the phone so we wait. It’s not long before we have Kathrin’s undivided attention and learn that she is German and has been working at Fat Cat for 4 months. The vibe is very relaxed here and yet I still feel uneasy as if I might not fit in. But I figure this could be a defense mechanism I have built over the years, one that will protect me while I’m out of my comfort zone so that if I do fit in then it’s a bonus.

After introductions and light titters at James’s stories of our travels so far in Thailand. Kathrin instructs another volunteer to begin the lunch while we have a tour of Fat-Cat’s facilities, which I’m sure would have been enlightening if I hadn’t missed most of it with my sudden decision to go barefoot. My untimely act of bohemianism ensured a tentative shuffling, hopping combo across the different terrain surrounding the main house; and culminated in a teeth gritting experience that can only be described as innovative dance; that is if I had been partaking in a choreography class. Every time I caught up with James and Kathrin they would swiftly move onto the next part of the tour, thereby ensuring the aforementioned missed tour.

What did I miss I wonder… Our sleeping arrangements, as I said before, a van would be our home for the next 16 days. Two separate log cabins stood behind the house containing the compost showers, providing us with just moments of trickling hot water before spraying out cold water that gets colder and colder by the second. Luckily I’ve already challenged that fear and so I’m happy to indulge in a cold shower during the hot summer months. It’s also an efficient way to save water and I’m told it keeps you looking and feeling young. Two toilets one outside with strict instructions not to put any paper down (much like Thailand) making it best for no.1’s and one indoors which is strong enough to take those no.2’s thankfully. The kitchen could be described as a little rough around the edges, or maybe it’s just well used but perfectly equipped with any necessary equipment to aid the required cooking skills we need to feed the 30 people on site as part of the volunteer program. With all the experience we’ve had in hospitality one should hope this would be a doddle. A few comforting aspects are that the kitchen is a total veggie zone which is a step in the right direction, there’s a compost bin, pig feed and chicken feed for any food that can’t be composted, which all stand on one shelf above the general waste and recycling.

Oh and I also missed the introduction to the many animals on site, three cats Manuka, Pu and Little Bee. Eight chickens I think; they’re hard to keep track of with their cunning escape plans enabling them to roam the grounds quite freely on a daily basis, there’s also two pigs who I feel should have names so I’ve chosen Snuffles and Truffles. I wish the animals had more space to roam around in, especially the piggies as they seem a bit cramped down the end of the garden, but maybe this will be a future project for Fat Cat.

My biggest fear will not be surprising to some of you… The fact that it feels as if there are humans everywhere; but there are only about 30. Thoughts bombard my fragile mind, it’s over stimulating, it’s claustrophobic, it’s hard work, and nothing in this world is easy but how do you escape this many people in such a small area physically and mentally?

It was happening like a production line (my thoughts) where one person is missing, but the production line carries on going, continuing to grow and grow and everything piles up and unable to proceed further down the line. Unfortunately the untimely return of the missing person has resulted in excess build up making it hard to see beyond the mass of stuff. All these questions…

• What have I gotten myself into?
• Am I able to run in this town? Where will I practice Yoga?
• I’ve been told we’re sleeping in a van? Can I do that?
• I don’t sleep well at the best of times so how the hell will I adapt?
• What if I’m a terrible volunteer?
• What if they think I’m annoying or too quiet?
• What if, What if, What if?

By this time I’ve hit red on the bonkers scale, and I really want to be in a more calming greeny-blue lets face it. But calming my rogue mind down from it’s over analyzing, over complicating whirlwind is something I continue to work on every day on this awesomely testing experience. It was like the feeling associated with jumping into a flowing river with arms stretched out wide; the outcome is either to belly flop or glide as your body makes contact with the water. But I figured I have had these overbearing feelings before so I should think of it as a day-by-day, step-by-step scenario where I am allowed to feel vulnerable and most importantly to learn more about myself.

I took a deep breath and said to myself, “I’m here now, who cares if I’m liked or not and whether others think I’m working hard enough”. A wise person once told me that, “What other people think of you is none of your business”. I’ve been using this saying for about a year now and it works wonders when quite frankly all reason and logic has disappeared from my conscious.

The experience I have had at Fat Cat has been truly awesome, in my role I work in the household from 7.30am-2pm, cleaning and cooking. I feel lucky that I met so many quirky people whilst here and I’ve been inspired to start learning French, to start singing again and maybe even learn the guitar. I’ve also learnt that I cannot cook rice in bulk (it’s nigh on impossible) I got so pissed off with it one day I remember wailing “it’s just empty calories, what’s the point”. The wastage from this disastrous attempt at cooking such a simple ingredient upset me so much I ended up giving it to the pigs to prevent poisoning anyone and to ensure there’s was no bad feeling from the universe for such a tremendous waste of food. I’ve decided cous cous is a much easier choice “So nice they named it twice” or freshly baked bread. Aside from that i’ve also come to grips with sleeping in a tiny van with absolutely no space, and I’ve learnt to immerse myself in the hustle and bustle of the lovely FAT CAT hostel!

I think my experience here has led to my belief that vulnerability is an important feeling to experience. Embracing it will come with practice, and it’s one of those feelings where you probably wont ever feel that comfortable being vulnerable. But it’s ok to have those feelings and in essence it might be a lifelong assignment that moves, grows and evolves organically so that you can act accordingly with each new day making it easier to get out of the anxious zone quicker. As for asking “What If” well you don’t know until you try.

That’s it for now until the next installment of comfort zone “Oh my Fly” Please follow this blog from my word press http://www.supersonicpeach.com so I can eventually move away from posting on Facebook.

Best Wishes Peaches xxx